Boy times have changed. I remember playing in my room with Legos. I was in my own little world. The biggest difficulty was figuring out if i was going to have enough pieces to finish the car that I designed in my head. The only thing that I dreaded was picking up the million multicolor pieces off the floor.
I didn’t know that growing up would be this trying. I never thought I would look back on those moments and wish I could return to that childish state. There wasn’t a bit of worry or fret of anything. I was never in my head. I never had to make any heavy decisions. I didn’t have to please any one, I was just naturally my self. I didn’t change me to suit others. I didn’t have to cover for anyone. I didn’t need to know the meaning of “changing subjects.”
I was pure.
Now, as I am 26, I am taking care of both of my grandparents who are at the end of their lives. They are both losing control of their lives; money, decisions, feelings, actions, and everything else. Everybody wants their piece of the pie, except me. The family wants to step in and save the day or “earn”(by taking) my grandparents stuff. It breaks my heart to be in the middle of it. They want to use me while I am taking care of them to get what they want, and all I want to do is help. I am sick of hearing; Bobby… “don’t tell him we are doing this,” “this is between us.” Along with being in the middle of all the selfish drama, I am faced with losing the strongest people I have known all of my life. My grandparents were the rock of the family and now they are crumbling to dust in the wind. Time does take on its toll and we won’t last forever.
As I sit back and assess the situation, I reflect back on those days in my room with my Legos. I would love to just steal a few of them back. I would have enjoyed them more. I would have played longer. A true vacation would be to go back to those care free days.
I can’t say that it is all that bad. I do have some positive things going on to. While they are at the end of their lives. I am starting mine. I have taken the past 8 years growing up and learning about me. Now I about to venture into the a life shared with a special lady. I am about to travel the country, I am about to start a career in the navy. I am starting the life I have wanted since the day I got sober. The life that I wanted but never thought I would get.
I guess I am in another growth spot in my life. I suppose I will look back on these days another 26 years later and have more perspective. Just like how I have a better perspective now when I look back at those days playing with my silly Legos.